* Disclaimer: The writer was not present at the celup-celup event but to the best of his knowledge of his fellow abengs (which is rather limited), the event in all probability took place in the following manner.
Episode Celup
A long, long time ago… In a HDB far, far away… The lost 22nd chapter of the gospel of John was found… In it were detailed instructions by Jesus for hungry Asians on the miracle of turning water into peanut gravy. The Asian “Let’s See If It Works” Faction of the Vatican experimented with the miracle and created about 15oz of miracle peanut elixir. But the repercussions of such an astounding experiment (imagine the profits…) were too volatile to be shared. Exponentially exponential economic booms in the Asian market would cause Asian stocks and currency trading to rise to about $35.647 US Dollars to one Singapore Dollar. Many hungry Asians would suddenly become at least 35.647 times richer and forget to pray to God for providence thus causing a severe depletion of faith in the Asian community. For fear of this, the gospel of John 22 was kept by a little known ultra-secret group within the Vatican called A.P.A.D. (Associated Protectors of Amazing Discoveries…or Adrian, Priscilla, Albert and Druce). But the secret has been leaked, a separatist semi-military-semi-dungeon-and-dragons-fundamentalist-obviously-cuckoo-rather-hungry group has launched a not so covert operation to seize John’s 22 nd gospel…
The Vatican @ Bukit Batok…
Abbot Adrian: How fare thee ridiculously loyal members of A.P.A.D.? Is all well with the most holy peanut gravy and its recipe?
Priscilla the Pretty: Aye, noble abbot. The most holy of recipes art safe from filthy hands of economists and greedy capitalists.
Albert the Acrobat: Aye, aye. Hark now, we shall feast on peanut elixir once more in celebration of absolutely nothing.
Devourer Druce: Oh… um… hey… I… um… kinda… ate it all.
Rest of A.P.A.D.: Wah Lau… Why doest thou always…
Suddenly there is loud crash and the separatist-fundamentalist-whatever-group mentioned earlier comes stumbling in through a large gaping hole in the wall.
Abbot Adrian: Hark! It be A.P.A.D.’s sworn nemesis, Marauding Mark and his band of Hungry A-go-gos. What doest thou and thy dastardly bunch desire from the Holy Order of A.P.A.D.?
*Note: Separatist-Fundamentalist-Whatever-Group = Marauding Mark and Hungry A-go-gos = Mark, Jacob, Felicia, Dwi, Meiting, Justin, Darryl, Karen.
Marauding Mark: Ah-hah! Adulterated Adrian! Hand over John’s gospel that thou hast in thy protection, lest ye be marauded by hungry a-go-gos.
Abbot Adrian: No… I’m Abbot Adrian and nay… thou can-nah have the sacred gospel. Doest thou wish to bring economic doom upon the Americans?
Priscilla the Pretty: We’d give you some, you guys, but Druce kinda ate it all.
Devourer Druce: Yea… sorry. My bad.
Devilish Darryl: Hear ye. We wish not for some. We come for the gospel itself. Thy conservative faith has failed thee. Come and join yon who embrace capitalism that thou may be blessed with stocks from yahoo!.
Flashy Flea: Come hither milady. Doesn’t thou cravest soft silky hair like mine and glittery adornments on thy bosom and ankle ‘stead of thy frizzy locks and dry skin? Thou hast really ought to try some moisturizer with Vit. E for thy rough dish-washed hands.
Jockstrap Jacob: Doest not thou wish for Reeboks like mine for thy acrobat endeavors, Albert?
Marauding Mark: Aye, Abseiling Adrian, embrace capitalism and I shall mentor thee in the ways of the free market and form thy own Galactic Peanut Gravy Trade Empire.
Abbot Adrian: It’s ABBOT Adrian and nay… Globalization can-nah withstand the revelations of John 22. I care not thy larking and thou art but dorks and I shall poke thee with a fork!
An epic battle ensues that would be retold generation after generation if only peanuts were really that important. Marauding Mark and his bunch of hungry A-go-gos charge forward and attack A.P.A.D. with the ferocity of a sleepy sloth. Marauding Mark and Devilish Darryl tackle Abbot Adrian with a Coke can and a McDonald’s paper bag. The courageous abbot puts up what can be only described as the most valiant fight a metrosexual is capable of while riding a mechanical bull in 4 seconds. But the abbot, overwhelmed by such powerful symbols of franchise and globalization succumbs and is subdued by Mark and Darryl.
Malicious Meiting and Jolly Justin using wit and cunning trick Druce the Devourer into buying an insurance policy against impending ice-ages convincing him that Global Warming is a real threat. Flashy Flea and Kurvacious Karen attack the only girl on the opposing side to make this ordeal seem less sexist and more politically correct. The only A.P.A.D member not subdued is Albert the Acrobat who successfully dodges Jockstrap Jacob’s every attempt to catch him using fully rehearsed and choreographed sports entertainment moves ala WWE. But evil half breed half Korean half Indonesian Mage Dwi casts an Anti-Gravity spell which reduces Albert’s agility by 7 points, enabling Jacob to easily force Albert to smell what the Rock is cooking.
Marauding Mark: Thy farcical group hast been subdued. Hand over thee the lost gospel of John lest thy face more attacks of exaggerated globalization.
Abbot Adrian: Thou hast won this battle, but thy capitalist heart can-nah possess the sacred gospel of John, for thy globalized soul can-nah comprehend the wisdom of beyond.
Just when all seem to have been lost to the capitalist free market, a bright light envelops the flat and an apparition of a most divine nature appears before the warriors. The hungry a-go-gos, stunned by this celestial being that seemed to be beyond the grip of capitalism, stare dumbfounded at The Magic Druid Dyan, ancient protector of miracle recipes. Magic Druid Dyan, with the power of prescription, prescribes miraculous painkillers that science has also proven to be effective against strokes to the weakened members of A.P.A.D. who jump up with the new source inexplicable energy and overcome their aggressors.
Marauding Mark: No… How can it be? She does not have valid certification to prescribe stuff that potent.
Abbot Adrian: Nay, marauders, our faith has once again triumphed over thy capitalism. For you see, capitalism has only profits in mind and hinders advancement. For example, a light bulb has been invented that very rarely needs replaced. And the owner of the patent is also a manufacturer of light bulbs. Thus to protect his profits, the light bulb will never be marketed to the market. The general public will never know of these inventions. Thus while thy capitalist market were busy marketing and patenting existing painkillers and limiting distributors to protect profits, Magic Druid Dyan has developed a much potent version of painkiller. But because it was developed out of the capitalist system, categorized under home remedies and not recognized by the FDA, it therefore does require prescription.
Marauding Mark: Kanasai… *wink*
Joke
